Cottage Cheese I

(This was originally posted on another blog I wrote but have discontinued.)

My grandma has a weirdness about food. She will eat food well past the sell date, we’re talking along the lines of “this food should kill you” so far past the sell date. She also eats bad (spoiled) food all the time. I think she has become truly immune to all food borne aliments.

Once the food becomes old, even too old for her to eat, she starts trying to pawn it off on anyone that comes to visit.

A few weeks ago we’re sitting at dinner when my grandma asks each person at the table individually if they like cottage cheese.

She starts out with my mom:

“Heeey, kiddo, do you like cottage cheese,” staring directly at my mom.

My mom responds that she eats it, we all know that line of questioning is some how going to end up with getting old cottage cheese pawned off on one of us.

Then grandma moves to my husband.

“Chris! Do YOU like cottage cheese?” 

“No.” He actually doesn’t, thinks it’s discussing.

“Does the baby like cottage cheese.” 

Here is where I lied, I told her no, that she doesn’t like cottage cheese. The last person I want old cottage cheese getting forced on them is my toddler who wouldn’t know the difference from old food and would get the sickest.

Then she moved on to me. I was pretty much screwed, as everyone in the family knows I love cottage cheese and will eat it as meal quite frequently. I had to admit that I liked cottage cheese.

“Oh, you do! I have something you should try, it’s cottage cheese mixed with jello.” 

That just sounds so unappetizing, I really didn’t know what to say. Cottage cheese, mixed with jello? I was imaging curdling chunks suspended in a colored semi-solidifed gunk. Even as she continued talking about this cottage cheese/jello conconcion she made up it sounded more and more like it looked like something I vomited up in college after a night of having a bit too much fun.

Then she had to get it out of the fridge for everyone to try. What is was, or what is should have been was pistachio fluff. This stuff. Only instead of being nice, light and fluffy it was dense and compacted….and old.

My mom asks my grandma why she had to make the pistachio fluff using cottage cheese – a legitimate question since in our family pistachio fluff is not typically made with cottage cheese but whip cream and/or marshmallows. My grandma says, as if it was the most normal reason in the world, “The cottage cheese was going bad so I had to use it up.” 

My mom then says “So, when did you make this stuff?”

Grandma: “About a week ago.” 

“You’re cottage cheese was going bad, you wanted to use it up, so you made this stuff and that was a week ago….”

“Yes, it had to be used up.” 

“but you didn’t use it up, you just put cottage cheese in another form, it’s still spoils.”

“I used it up, I made this dish out of it. It’s fine to eat now.” 

uh….what?

Yeah, I don’t eat the dairy, not just the milk.

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