Riesen candy fits into the same category of Werther’s original, candy only old people seem to eat…and also have in abundance. Maybe it’s not just old people that eat Werther’s but the commercials I grew up with as the old guy have a full supply of them on hand to give to the grandkid had something to do with shaping this idea (and therefore truth in my world). To fit with my world view of Riesen candy when I had to run and pick up some items for my grandma from her old lady friend she pawned off an entire bag of Riesen candy on my grandma. Both of them were saying that “No one wants the candy because it’s dark chocolate…no one likes dark chocolate.” 

I’m still pretty sure it has nothing to do with the chocolate and everything to do with the fact it’s a Riesen. I mean really, those things are better at removing loose teeth than duct tape, and I hope you don’t have any fillings because you won’t after eating one of them. 

I however like them. I grab a handful whenever I’m stopping by. I also happen to like a lot of “old people stuff” especially in the way of candy, so much so that it’s earned me some fairly hardcore mocking over the years. I will go crazy over those old-fashioned hard candy that comes out around Christmas. The little sweets that look like mini pillows or have little designs in the middle. Love them! They are actually hard to find unless you are going to a candy store that specializes in old-timey sweets. I am also a HUGE fan of anything maple. If anyone ever wants to make my day – or possibly week – just pick me up some maple syrup or maple candy. I had an old co-worker who one day when out and about saw some maple candy and picked it up just to be a nice person. I’m sure she remembered that I like everything maple after my co-workers spent an entire afternoon making fun of me about this fact after I found the ice-cream store that we went to for had maple flavored soft serve and you know I was in heaven after finding out that (and of coarse getting) that gem. That little pack of maple candy made my month, because it took me a month to eat it. Seriously that shit is pure sugar, and delicious. 

As I’m swiping my allotment of Riesen Grandma says once again that no one wants them because they are dark chocolate (which is still think is bull honky). Then Grandma states “I hear that chocolate is good for you, the dark chocolate especially.” I agree and she asks in a very puzzling manner “But why…why is it good for you.” 

I go into an explanation about antioxidants and other big fancy words that have to do with chemicals and I see her just start to glaze over very quickly. So I say “Like vegetables, chocolate’s like vegetables.” Grandma perks up and says “Okay! I see!” 

So next time you want something sweet and consider it a vegetable just have some dark chocolate. It’s good for you, like carrots and what not. 


Grandma Moves Home

Grandma moved home. This past weekend was the weekend that Grandma moved back home. She seemed very excited to be moving back home and yet a little nervous. When I visited the past few weeks I would ask if she was excited about moving home. I did not get the impression that she was jumping for joy but did want to get home. She also had to tell me multiple times that she was not nervous. Ha! The only time someone mentions something over and over again is when they do that feel that way…at least a little bit. I would be nervous if I were in her position even at my age. After spending the better part of a year in nursing home or assisted living I think going out on your own would be a bit of a nerve racking experience.

My aunt, uncle and mom moved Grandma back home. They got her moved in and then left. At first I was thinking that seemed a bit harsh just dropping Grandma off and then heading out…but my mom had a good point and that was if Grandma can’t make it in her own home it’s better to find out right away. Grandma moved out of the assisted living center about a week early so that if she didn’t feel comfortable she could move back into her room. The assisted living center has a waiting list if Grandma gave up her room and then decided that she wanted to move back she very well might not have a place to go back too.

I did not assist in the move, which was for the best. I’ve learned that when family is involved the less people involved the better. And really, what the hell was I going to do besides not be helpful unless I left the kids at home. In hindsight I should have totally used the excuse that I needed to go move Grandma in without the family to get a break from my own children.

I’m tempted to run away from my family for a weekend. I know I need a get-a-way weekend, or maybe just a few hours because I have been doing nothing but pinteresting Jell-o shot recipes for the one weekend in the summer I escape and go north with the ladies. I’m even looking at tents. I had the perfect tent but the cat(s?) decided that she wanted to use it as a make-shift litter box for an entire summer, and well…you just can’t get that smell out. The place we go has ample room for everyone to sleep I don’t need a tent. Hell, it would actually just be silly opting for a tent in place of a comfy bed with linens and pillows. I want the tent for one reason, sweet sweet solitude. I can just camp in my tent and be alone! The four hour (and some for stops) car ride is starting to sound like the most glorious part of the entire weekend. Eight full hours of glorious alone time. I say this and that means that I’ll end up car-pooling, which is nice for a long trip. Maybe this year I’ll not be the one to drive and I can just ride along. I know I’m longing to get away when I start looking up booze recipes and contemplating buying a new tent which I will used two times from never.




I really need to finish the laundry room! All of my projects are starting to mesh into one brain space and I’m forgetting what all needs to be done. Meaning I need some external organization call file folders! However, with no where to put the file folders but a massive pile on my desk it makes for just more piles of clutter to get on my nerves and make my brain space feel more squashed and irritable.

I forgot today that I needed five more text items from a client. How could I forget that, not like it’s one of the most important factors of the entire job. I have a feeling this job is going to be delayed hitting print. I was excited that I was on track to be early as in months early and then my client dropped the bomb on me that they were pregnant and about to have a baby. Oh dear, well there goes three months of work time out the window. Sometimes I never see a client. This one is a few states and time-zones away.

I also have an art heavy design I’m working on for a friend. I should say photoshop heavy. I am not very speedy in the Photoshop. It’s a good project to get better in an area I feel that I feel I am a bit lacking but since it’s a friend and thus free it tends to get put on the back burner and forgotten about more often than I would like to admit. This weekend was the “Oh CRAP! I gotta get to that!” because May is just around the corner and before I know it will be June, which is when the project needs to be completed by.

I need a dedicated office space with a door. A glorious DOOR! I did get a fantastic hanging file cabinet. It’s a two-dawer, work surface level that spent a few weeks in the Haworth test lab getting beat on. They were going to toss it and Husband’s boss said he could have it once it was finished getting beat on. Yay! Perks of having a furniture engineering husband (yes, he designed the cabinet). He’s only been six…maybe seven years – lol, it’s once in a blue moon (read as never) that something is allowed to be given out like that.

Oh Menards…

Menards. An interesting place to say the least.

We have a long running joke about Menards. When we first got married and purchased a house we were frequenting the home improvement stores multiple times weekly, sometimes multiple times in a day, especially on weekends. We always commented on how super random some of the stuff sold at Mendards seemed to be. One day my husband is at work having a benign conversation with a co-worker about the pervious weekends events where he said that we went to Menards. The co-worker busts out “Menards! Best price on ketchup!” And then the conversation about how this co-worker drives about 45 minutes to the Menards (because they lived a ways out of town) to buy their ketchup because it was by far the best price they had ever seen. This then turned into a long running joke between my husband and myself about how Menards carries the most random stuff all the time, not just a “special buy” like some of the other home improvement stores will run. At Menards you can always get your 2×4’s (albeit you have to dig through a whole ton of garbage wood to find one), ketchup, dog food, maybe some hot pockets, maybe a few plants, a gigantic toy look-a-like banshee for the kids and maybe some flooring if you’re up for a flooring project.

We went to Menards last weekend to get a light bulb, because it seems to be the only place in town that carries that particular light bulb. If you are going to Menards expect to spend some time wandering the store to find all of the amazing items they may or may not have in store. I wanted to peruse the camping section, maybe they would have a tent for the right price and we could replace the one that cat pissed all over. No tents I was willing to buy, but then we happened on the knife aisle. Yes, Menards has a knife aisle. I found it. I go to Husband “Oh! Look knifes! Maybe we should pick a few up,” half joking and picked up the Bear Grylls knife and make some mockingly gesture at Husband. (Ok, we’re not so much fans of the Bear Grylls – the knifes are pretty cool though). Then Husband noticed that not only does Menards carry the Bare Grylls but also the Les Stroud knives, Husband is a HUGE fan of Les Stroud and he wants the Les Stroud Machete (sadly Mendards did not have this on the shelf). Menards had some other brands, the other most notable Camillus and Kershaw, not bad brands of knives. And then we moved on from the knife aisle to pick up some bird seed and plastic tumblers for the kids.

A few days pass and Husband brings up Menards, I yell out just after she says “Menards” “best price on ketchup!” with out missing a beat he says “and apparently the best price on knives.” He said they were well under advertised  price of  all the other local companies he looked at and the manufactures website.

So there you go, why shop anywhere else.

I’m such a sucker for old people.

The Grams needed me to run over to one of her friends house to pick up some lotion that she buys form her friend. This lotion is totally old lady smelling lotion. There must be some memo where if you are a lady once you reach a certain age this note just shows up instructing you that it is time you start using only a few specific lotions and perfumes. It is a super secret to the rest of the world and it also states if you break from the list of approved smells it will bring about world doom. 

The four horse men of the apocalypse are in fact old women who have thrown caution to the wind and gone off the approved smells memo. 

Grandma’s friend is also a ninety-year-old house bound lady. If you know old people, they like to chat. I knowing this planned my day accordingly figuring that I would be a good 45 minutes to an hour chatting with Grandma’s friend. I was wrong! It was an hour and a half. My grandma even called to round me up. It took me another 25 minutes to try and get out the door. 

I did end up getting a Dr. Pepper from my grandma’s friend. I think it was her ploy of getting me to stay and chat. She goes “Do you want something to drink I have Dr. Pepper!” The Dr. Pepper bit is hilarious if you know anything about how Dr. Pepper was an “old person’s drink” and Dr. Pepper had to create a whole marketing campaign to try and get young people to even try their drink. My grandparents ALWAYS had the Dr. P. in the fridge, maybe that’s why I like it so much. Dr. P. and RC cola. I’m a sucker for RC cola if I ever see it around. She starts telling me about how she had cases of Dr. Pepper but she doesn’t like it, so I was just someone to pawn up the Dr.P on – but that’s cool because I am a fan. Then once I get the can, because “No, thanks” was not an answer she was going to take she invites me in the living room to have a seat. 

I’m done for now, and knew it. I was already full because I had just pounded down a gestation frozen slushy machine coke and there was no way I was going to be able to pound down this Dr. P. and make my way out. She showed me her knitting, and we talked about that. Then she bitched about how now-a-days the yarn is nothing but string with now weight behind it. She actually said “These manufactures should be ASHAMED of how poor their product has become!” Very rilled up old lady. She then went on to complain about how she had gotten several skeins of yarn that were nothing but knots that she had to cut out the knots. Now, if you are yarn worker, and I could understand her plight, because I do once in a great while attempt to crochet some blanket that looks like a toddler did most of the work. I would be so angry about knotted yarn I might write a nasty letter. Being curious I wanted to know what brand she was using, since she is home bound maybe her buyers were getting bad yarn? 

The brand Red Heart. Old lady is looking right at you, one of the if not the biggest yarn manufacture for your shoddy product. If I could explain how Twitter works she’s be all over you on the internet. 

Then she tried to get me to eat candy. What is it about old people and candy. Every single one of them has candy in dishes all over their house, which reminds me I left with a Resin and it’s still in my pocket – I best get that out before it goes through the wash. 

I also scored a date fresh from Arizona. That was mighty tasty. 

Eventually I escaped. Then ran the lotion to Grandma. Who I think was kind of sad that I couldn’t stay and chat for another hour but I had to eat and my family needed to eat. Grandma did save me half her sandwich from dinner in case I got hungry. That is super sweet and cute and yet super fucking weird at the same time. I have been told she save parts of her dinners and lunches all week for my mom’s dog, again cute and yet weird at the same time. 

I ended up leaving my old lady chat sessions getting a date, a Dr. P., a Butterfinger and some dollars for my troubles with which I was instructed to go buy a ham. 



Oh….The Non-Drama

I’ve mentioned many times that Grandma is a bit of a drama queen. Such as this post Drama where there is none. I’m off running her taxes, which she acts like it’s some heroic endeavor that I had to ride 50 miles in a blizzard on a goat, face untold horrors and do this all blind folded. She also gave me money telling me that “Gas isn’t cheep!” Uhhh. Well, no gas isn’t cheep but driving about 3 miles away three times for a total of what…18(ish) miles for the round trips, really not the big of a deal. 

I did learn ages ago to just take the money after watching some epic battles when she would try and give money to my mom or my aunt (it’s like $10-20 when she does this). They would go through these fiascos where Grandma would try to give them dollars and they would take them and then they would try to sneak them back to her and then she would find it and be all “WTF!” and then hide the dollars on one of the kids. This would go on for hours sometimes, and other people got dragged into these dollar wars. They would get so sneaky that they would put the money in an envelope and then give it to someone else to give to the recipient. I also remember being a pawn in these dollar games. I decided that I wasn’t going to do that. I would just politely refuse and then if she insisted I would take the money and be grateful. 

But I digress on the issues of dollars, which is just kind of silly.


There were two scandals this week. One dealing with a candy bar the other with Grams trying to stir up trouble.

They play bingo at this home, pretty much every night. My dads mom refused to play bingo at the home even though she was an avid bingoer stating that “They don’t play for money, and I play to WIN!” They play for candy bars, kingsize bars, of good candy; considering my dad’s mom happened to be a candy-holic I saw no issue with bingo not being real money, but that wasn’t her thing. She wanted to win the dollars. On a side note when dad’s mom said “I play to WIN,” to me I almost did a spit-take but was able to hold it together until after I left. See, my dad liked to play Hearts online. I happened to be in the room when he was playing once, he was getting himself all in a tizzy. He was bitching about all the people leaving the games and it pissed him off. I started asking questions as he was telling me about his games…more or less bitching about the other gamers and also learned my dad had zero Hearts gaming ediqute. The people were leaving because they didn’t want to play with him – he was actually known as being an ass so much so that people left games with him in them. He goes says “I play to WIN!” I looked over at him and said “Holy shit, you’re a damn grifer….In Hearts.” After that I kept trying to get him to roll an undead warlock in World of Warcraft because I could totally see him corpse camping some newbs just for the fun of it (not so fun for those getting camped – we’ve all been there).

I did get my mom to try playing a human mage. That ended horribly. Sort of horribly, my parents did spend a few hours giggling at the computer as my mom ran herself into walls and my dad shouted at her to “Kill that guy,” only to have my mom say “I can’t kill that guy it’s a guard.” Then a few moments later “Kill that guy,” followed by “I can’t that’s another player.” “Why can’t you kill other players?” As if the entire point is to just kill other players (like I was saying, undead warlock – perfect). I shouted back “because you have to get past level 2!”  

And here I am rambling again. 

So Grandma wins these candy bars, she happened to get a Butterfinger and I do love the Butterfingers, but I’m not a big candy eater either. Grandma was saying that she was saving the candy bars and then she was going to give them away. I could have asked for the candy but I didn’t because I’m not going to ask. Now is she offered I would have totally gone for the Butterfinger. I happen to mention the candy bars to my mom about how she’s saving them to give them away, and my mom says that she’s saving them up until she has enough for everyone. I said something silly about Butterfingers being the best, so them at some point my mom mentions to Grandma that I like Butterfingers so Grandma gives my mom the Butterfinger and tells her to give it to me. 

Well, my mom forgets and then I go visit Grandma. The first thing Grandma asks me is if I had got my candy bar. I have no idea what she’s talking about. Actually she said “Have you seen your mom lately.” “Yeah, we went over for dinner on Sunday.” When Grandma found out my mom didn’t give me the candy bar is was SCANDAL! Grandma goes WHAT? I gave her that candy bar last week to give you! What do you think she did with it! Like my mom hid away and ate this king size candy bar to spite me and my grandma. I just said she probably just forgot about it. Grandma tells me I better tell my mom I want my candy bar. oooookkkkkkk, got it! 

Then we do the whole dinner with the family thing and my mom out of the blue goes “Did you see what’s in my candy drawer?” I did just check out the candy drawer and said “Yes, you have a bunch of good stuff in there.” She’s been doing this dieting thing so her candy drawer has had shit for choices. This week there were some of those double chocolate candy/cookie things from Keebler, Dove milk chocolate and some other stuff I don’t like. “Did you see you’re Butterfinger?” 

I did see the Butterfinger but I didn’t thing anything of it and went for a Dove chocolate because they are small. I then learned that my mom got the riot act from my Grandma about not giving me my candy bar and that surely she must have eaten it instead of just forgetting about the candy. 

Grandma also tried to stir up some trouble about another issue, but that is another story, for another day.