The Grams needed me to run over to one of her friends house to pick up some lotion that she buys form her friend. This lotion is totally old lady smelling lotion. There must be some memo where if you are a lady once you reach a certain age this note just shows up instructing you that it is time you start using only a few specific lotions and perfumes. It is a super secret to the rest of the world and it also states if you break from the list of approved smells it will bring about world doom.
The four horse men of the apocalypse are in fact old women who have thrown caution to the wind and gone off the approved smells memo.
Grandma’s friend is also a ninety-year-old house bound lady. If you know old people, they like to chat. I knowing this planned my day accordingly figuring that I would be a good 45 minutes to an hour chatting with Grandma’s friend. I was wrong! It was an hour and a half. My grandma even called to round me up. It took me another 25 minutes to try and get out the door.
I did end up getting a Dr. Pepper from my grandma’s friend. I think it was her ploy of getting me to stay and chat. She goes “Do you want something to drink I have Dr. Pepper!” The Dr. Pepper bit is hilarious if you know anything about how Dr. Pepper was an “old person’s drink” and Dr. Pepper had to create a whole marketing campaign to try and get young people to even try their drink. My grandparents ALWAYS had the Dr. P. in the fridge, maybe that’s why I like it so much. Dr. P. and RC cola. I’m a sucker for RC cola if I ever see it around. She starts telling me about how she had cases of Dr. Pepper but she doesn’t like it, so I was just someone to pawn up the Dr.P on – but that’s cool because I am a fan. Then once I get the can, because “No, thanks” was not an answer she was going to take she invites me in the living room to have a seat.
I’m done for now, and knew it. I was already full because I had just pounded down a gestation frozen slushy machine coke and there was no way I was going to be able to pound down this Dr. P. and make my way out. She showed me her knitting, and we talked about that. Then she bitched about how now-a-days the yarn is nothing but string with now weight behind it. She actually said “These manufactures should be ASHAMED of how poor their product has become!” Very rilled up old lady. She then went on to complain about how she had gotten several skeins of yarn that were nothing but knots that she had to cut out the knots. Now, if you are yarn worker, and I could understand her plight, because I do once in a great while attempt to crochet some blanket that looks like a toddler did most of the work. I would be so angry about knotted yarn I might write a nasty letter. Being curious I wanted to know what brand she was using, since she is home bound maybe her buyers were getting bad yarn?
The brand Red Heart. Old lady is looking right at you, one of the if not the biggest yarn manufacture for your shoddy product. If I could explain how Twitter works she’s be all over you on the internet.
Then she tried to get me to eat candy. What is it about old people and candy. Every single one of them has candy in dishes all over their house, which reminds me I left with a Resin and it’s still in my pocket – I best get that out before it goes through the wash.
I also scored a date fresh from Arizona. That was mighty tasty.
Eventually I escaped. Then ran the lotion to Grandma. Who I think was kind of sad that I couldn’t stay and chat for another hour but I had to eat and my family needed to eat. Grandma did save me half her sandwich from dinner in case I got hungry. That is super sweet and cute and yet super fucking weird at the same time. I have been told she save parts of her dinners and lunches all week for my mom’s dog, again cute and yet weird at the same time.
I ended up leaving my old lady chat sessions getting a date, a Dr. P., a Butterfinger and some dollars for my troubles with which I was instructed to go buy a ham.