The Amazing Adventures of Turdface and Fluffy Cat: The Toilet Incident

One morning I’m getting up, and like most people the first place after waking up is to head to the bathroom. I’m just about to sit on the toilet when I notice a gigantic puddle of pee all over the toilet. 

Imagine a person staring down at a toilet with their arms slightly raised with a look on their face that says “WTF!” 

That was me. 

“Oh, hells no, I am not cleaning up someone else’s pee. I clean enough of that up with two children.” I think to myself. 

I then sit down to do what I went in the bathroom in the first place, and since I had my cell phone I promptly sent off this text: 

“Unless the cat has taken to trying to pee in the toilet, you missed and pee’d all over the back of the seat.” 

I get back “Um Sorry” 

And responded with “I seriously do not know how you can miss a puddle of your own pee. You can clean it up when you get home.” 

Then followed that text up with “Do you want meat balls or meat loaf for dinner?” 

This not being the first time I’ve walked in to a puddle of pee in the toilet. Typically I’ll wipe it down and then bitch about it later, but this time it was just WTF. And seriously guys I know this happens but clean it up FFS. 

Now, fast forward about a week. 

Child and I are walking down the stairs to the basement so she can watch her most favorite show in the whole wide world….for a week, Team UmiZoomi. The Fluffy cat is in the bathroom milling about, child sees the cat and begins to scold the cat. Listening to my child scold any of the animals is very comical because none of them give a rat’s patootie about what she is yelling at them about. But, the cat in the bathroom was Fluffy Cat and she is a very sensitive cat, I tell the kiddo that Fluffy Cat is fine and that she is most likely getting a drink. She tends to drink out of the toilets, the cat that is. 

As expected the cat then jumps up on the toilet. Child, who is still on the stairs, looking into the bathroom, sees the cat on the toilet and says “Kitty go potty, kitty go potty in the toilet. 

“Uh…yeah, no. The cat is not going to go potty in the toilet. The cat does not go potty in the toilet.”

“Kitty go potty.” 

Then the cat, turned herself on the toilet, in my head I think “WTF, she looks like she’s in pissing formation.” 

And then she pee’d. 

The tinkling of cat piss was heard falling into the toilet. 

um…..oooooookay. 

Don’t know where Fluffy Cat learned that one. And in one moment so many things in my life became so much more clear. (Why I had been finding un-flushed toilets with no toilet paper in them, and mysterious pee puddles on the toilets.)

But before I could have a moment to think about what I just witnessed, child started clapping for the cat, saying “Good job Kitty, Good job! Kitty went potty, good job Kitty.” 

Naturally I had to put aside my amazement at watching my cat take a leak in the toilet and join in the congratulatory festivities of a cat going potty. I also clapped for Fluffy Cat and told her she did a good job, but being that this is the neurotic Fluffy cat. She freaked out and ran away like we were going to string her up and feed her to bears, hiding in her closet hiding space until Husband came home. 

 

 

 

 

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Turdface has returned!

Yay, the cat is back. She is still just as bitchy as ever. 

She was discovered in the church Sunday morning just after they started their service. A guy found her hanging out in their lobby and shoo’d her outside, the guy mentioned to a lady that there was a cat in their lobby. The lady seeing my multitude of posters asked what the cat looked like and then told the guy to run outside and see if it’s the cat on the poster. They decided that the cat on the poster did look an awful lot like the cat that was in the lobby of the church and the lady called me. 

The church is located directly across the street from the my house. When I called the lady back she stepped outside, I was in my driveway. She walked out and then said “Oh! is that you right there?
 

Yes, yes it would be. She then filled me in that they had found the cat in the lobby and they chased her outside. Where she ran down to a back door and then vanished. We searched under the bushes and no cat was found. The lady suggested I put out a can of tuna because a cat that hasn’t eaten in a week would be very hungry. I don’t know why I didn’t even think about that but it was a genius plan. This lady obviously knew cats! 

I put the cat box out with the can of tuna in it where the cat was last seen, then sat in my kitchen and waited, and waited and waited. Yet, still no cat. We put the kids to bed, still no sign of the cat. Then as Husband and I were finishing out lunch I said that I would walk over to the church to see if there was any sign of her since it had quieted down before there was a rush of people leaving. 

I walked up to the cat box, nope, the tuna had not been touched and no sign of the cat. Then all of a sudden I hear a “meeeaawwwwo” 

“Meaawo, meahow, meahow, meahow, meahow!” 

“Turface?”

I can’t see her, but I can hear her. I keep calling her, then all of a sudden her little head pops up. Still meaawohowing as loud as ever. She’s about 50 feet away from where I was standing. I get up and start walking towards her. She is refusing to move but practically meow screaming at me. I get to her and scoop her up, still meowing as I walk her home. She was so lout that Husband could hear her in the house and walked outside to see what was going on. 

When I put her down in the driveway she was trying to get in the window closest to the ground, like “let me in this house, NOW!” She ran in as soon as we opened the door. She ran up to the dog and seemed so happy to see the dog, rubbing all over hear, purring and bumping her head on the dogs face. She eventually made it to her food and ate a bit then lounged on the floor. 

She later wanted to go outside but not without a person. She wouldn’t go any farther than the stoop unless we were with her, and even when she was on the stoop she continued to bitch at us. 

The Husband said maybe I just went crazy thinking someone took this cat and she was actually living in the church for a week, however, I still think someone took her and dumped her either in the church just after they started their service or she somehow ended in there after trying to get home, and here’s why…

The church is a pretty busy church. It’s not as if they show up one day a week and no one crosses it’s doors for an entire week, but first off the cat went missing on a Saturday night. That means an entire Sunday where the church is full of people, and yet no one noticed a cat prowling around the inside of the building. It’s pretty easy to tell if any animal is living in an enclosed space for even a little while. She would have been stuck in the church for over 12 hours by the time church time would have started. Animals do things…like go to the bathroom, and that is pretty obvious, also the church has get togethers and what not after their service. People are there until well after 2pm…and no cat spotted? 

On Monday the lady who cleans the church cleans it (It’s one of my neighbors). The church has recently started renting space to a Hispanic congregation, they had some teen night on Tuesday. Wednesday night is band practice, which lasts from about 6 pm – 10/11pm(ish). Thursday this week was a huge hoopla for the Hispanic half of the church. The place was packed! They didn’t end until well after 10pm and had the street lined with cars. Saturday is Hispanic church service, and that’s not any of the other coming and goings of anyone that works at the church, like the music director or office people – which are in and out on and off during the week. So, with all that going on, all week, no one, not one, saw a random cat or sign of a cat that was living in the church for an entire week, and just shows up in the lobby 10 minutes after the start of service. 

Because that cat was not in the church all week. 

Not only that, the cat wasn’t hungry, that’s why she didn’t go for the tuna I put out for her. The church cat lady was right, a cat that hasn’t eaten in a week would have been all over that tuna, instead she found a hiding spot where she could see the cat carrier (and me) but no one could see her, unless he wanted them to. 

When I brought her in I split up the can of tuna…still thinking that she would like to eat it. The two dogs, and other cat where all over the tuna. I had one cat on the counter trying to get it and two dogs behind me dancing around trying to get some tuna. Turdface was snacking on her dry food. I divided up tuna giving each animal a portion. I set Turdface’s portion next to her. She looked at it, snubbed it and then trotted off. This cat does not stub tuna, ever. It’s a fancy nice treat that they might get a pinch of if I’m making something with tuna, and even then it’s pretty sparse. Turdface, typically when I open a can of tuna is on the counter and in my face before I’m even finished opening the can. 

I’m fairly sure that someone picked up my cat and had her for the week, or at least a good portion of the week. As she was not hungry, no more than her normal anyway, snubbed tuna and had no weight loss for the week. She either escaped and was trying to come home and somehow ended up in the church or whoever had her dumped her off in the church. She may have wondered into the church if the doors were propped open when people were coming in for service…and ending up in the lobby. 

There is also the lady and the dog. A dog and lady, matching the description of who/what I saw in my yard shortly before the cat went missing were out walking Sunday, the day after the cat was gone. We were out in our yard. I saw them and had the hope that they would walk by our house, as I’ve seen the dog quite a few times walking by our house. I wanted to ask if she had seen the cat, and if she saw her wonder off. The lady looked right at us and did an about haste heading off in the other direction. It was just odd. Could have very much been a coincidence. Another strange coincidence is that after Sunday last sunday I have not seen this dog anywhere in our neighborhood. I used to see the dog almost daily. It’s just a little odd. 

So now Turdface has returned and is back to peeing on the doors. 

My Cat was Stolen!

My cat (Turdface) was stolen! 

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I’m very upset about this. Way more than I thought I would be. We started to let her outside a bit hear and there due to her peeing in the house. I know that outdoor/indoor cats have a tendency to vanish. This was something I was trying to reconcile with myself before this even happened. I would check on her religiously when she was outside, calling her if I didn’t see her, and she always came back right away. She didn’t always come back inside but at least back into the yard.

So, how do I know she was stolen and not just wondered off. Well, we were out in the yard with her on the day it happened. She was lounging with us in the garage as I watched the kids and Husband worked on the Jeep. Turdface even caught us a small mole and brought it home. Then Husband asked me to help with the repair on the Jeep because his hands were too large to get into the small area. The job was extremely annoying. As I was helping with the Jeep I watched Turdface walk up to the front porch and around the corner. 

No big deal, she hangs out on the porch all the time just laying there. 

Then I saw some people walk by and I heard someone make a comment about there being a cat. Now, remember we’re in the garage, but a Trail Blazer was parked in the drive way. I could see them as they walked by one of the kids was running back and forth down the drive way, it’s not as if we were hiding around the back of the house being super quite. I thought about walking up to the front of the house but then figured that our cat would be fine since we were right in the driveway…and I was at that moment hanging upside down under the dash of a Jeep. 

After that was finished I walked up to the front of the house looking for the cat. I didn’t see her. Odd…but thought maybe she was just out of eye sight. Something seemed off to me and I started to get the feeling she was missing. I grabbed her bag of treats – which I use when she’s being extra stubborn about coming in – and shook it. Still no cat. 

I then went to Husband and said, “I think someone took our cat.” 

He thought I was being paranoid. We then took the dogs for a walk. I had to cut the walk short early because Kiddo fell and scraped her hand, which was very traumatic. We returned for a band-aid, and I started the search, just because that little nagging voice was really starting to bother me. I walked up and down our street shaking the treat bag and calling her. Still, no cat. 

It was now about 6:30 pm, and it was only about an hour since I noticed she was missing. The Husband and I were going out to dinner and I actually thought about canceling to start canvasing the neighborhood, but Husband and my mom (who was there to watch the kids) both talked me into going and said my fears that she had been taken were silly because she must have just wondered off stating, “she does go outside now” 

We came home from dinner, still no cat. My mom had not seen her. It was then that my husband believed me that she was pilfered. I walked all over that night, the neighborhood was unnaturally busy so I ran into a few people asking them if they had seen the cat, but to no avail. 

The next morning I went out again looking for her, just incase she really wasn’t taken, also I hung up signs all over the immediate area, figuring if someone walked off with her they must be located fairly close by. I have yet to hear anything and it’s now Monday. 

I alerted my neighbors to the missing cat, all the ones I spoke to had not seen hide-nor-hair of the cat, which to me just confirms that she was taken and is now being held in someones house. Someones house that is nearby. 

I feel more violated that she was taken than if something else would have happened to her, because even as a cat she is part of the family. If she were truly “just a cat” to us we would have gotten rid of both the cats last year when they completely ruined our house. And I do mean ruined, it smells like a damn litter box. We’ve had to completely re-do rooms in the house because of these cats, costing us not just their normal food and health costs but thousands of dollars in housing repairs. 

It’s also been awful to deal with the older kid, who is almost three now. She’s starting to get a better understanding of the world. The first day Turdface was missing she didn’t seem to care, saying that she was outside but that was it. Each day since it’s gotten worse, she’s now asking where the cat is and telling me that she needs to see her. To the point where she’s getting mad when I tell her she can’t because we don’t know where she is. Kiddo is also going out in the yard or the door and yelling out it “Turdface, come home, come home NOW!” When she sees a photo of her (because I’m making flyers) she demands to see the photos and starts wanting to know where she has gone. It’s not like I can say that something happened to her and he’s over because she’s seeing me put in all this effort to find the cat. 

I am doing everything I can to find this cat. Today I loaded up the kids, got a ton of flyers printed, ones to place on signs around the neighborhood and local business, others specific to veterinary offices and another set that I am planning on putting on every house in the surrounding area – it will take roughly 400 flyers, I have 225 currently. (I went to google maps and counted the buildings on the roads I think should be targeted).

I drove to almost all the vets in the SW area and dropped off a flyer and hit most of them in the SE area as well. I am faxing her information to the North side vets and calling every vet that I can find to let them know that she was taken. If this cat ends up in a vets office matching her description they should scan for a microchip.

She is listed as lost at every on-line lost animal site there is, including the various rescue agencies. She’s has a microchip and is up-to-date on their files. That was the very first thing I took care of, making sure that in the event she does end up someplace where they will scan for a chip we will be notified immediately. 

After I finish peppering the neighborhood with my fliers there isn’t much more I can do but wait. Wait for her to show up in a vet’s office and hope it’s not too far out that they forget to scan for a chip (most of the offices I talked to said that it is their policy to scan any new patient which was heartening to hear). Wait until she escapes from wherever she is and makes it back home – a most likely scenario, which could be days if not weeks, or wait for her to show up in a shelter. 

If you want to help please post here informationImage

 

Or, if not the spam the internet with missing cat photos I did find a prayer for missing pets. 

Father,
We ask you to help us find Turdface,
our dear pet who is now lost.

We know that you placed animals on the earth
for many reasons, including companionship for man.

We therefore ask you to help us find our lost companion,
and pray that You will keep her safe
and protect her from harm until she is found.

We join our prayers with St. Francis,
St. Anthony of Padua, and all the saints,
and pray in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord.

Amen

I’ll take all help I can get, including good vibes. 

CAT(s)!

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We have a cat that lives with us. People call her the “fattest cat I’ve ever seen!” She’s really NOT that fat compared to some other cats I’ve met in my life but she is fat, and not only is she fat but she holds her weight really strangely for a cat. It’s all in her belly. Her belly hangs way down and is all wobbly, like she needs a tummy tuck but her front portion is normal cat looking. When she sits down she looks like a Heresy’s Kiss. She is also a gray stripped cat just adding to the allusion.

This is the cat that has been marking in the house. Husband says that he wants to get rid of her…well both the cats, or so he says. I think if it really came down to it he wouldn’t get rid of them because let’s face it, it’s been almost two years now that we’ve been dealing with cat pee in the house. We’re about to rip up our laundry room because of pee-body and the only “discussion” of getting rid of the cat(s) is a “I’m going to throw them out side and never let them back in.” At this point I just roll my eyes when he says he’s going to get rid of the cats. *However* unless one of the kids brings home a stray we will NEVER go out and find a cat. Ever. We will be stuck with these two for a good long time since they are only six(ish) and well, cats live forever.

Because of the pee-ing in the house I’ve started to let her outside, we would let her outside with supervision perviously, now I just let her roam around outside. Thankfully she doesn’t roam much further than our yard straying into the neighbors on either side, but staying close enough that I can shake the treat bag out the door and she’s there in a jiffy. She also loves it when anyone comes out side with her. She follows whoever is outside, if we’re doing yard work she’ll lounge in the driveway, or flop down in front of you as you’re trying to do the task you went outside to do. So excited, like a dog when you go in the yard and they think you are coming out only to play with them, that is our cat.

The cats (who’s name is Turdface) is lounging in the driveway as I’m trying to sweep. Toddler is chasing the cat with a stick, since the cat was lounging obviously she was not too concerned about the small one with the stick. Then the neighbor kid came out…I shouldn’t say kid, young adult? They are driving now, driving! Makes me feel old. Young adult neighbor comes out with a book and a blanket, proceeds to put blanket down and then sit upon blanket to read their book. The cat seeing this, immediately gets up from her lounging about the driveway and trots over to the neighbor, crashes her head into the neighbor’s arm and then flops over as if to say “oooooOOOOOOHHHHHH pet me! PET ME! I’m soooooooooo neglected!”

I was standing in the driveway watching this all unfold. I then tried to call the cat back, even going over and picking the cat up and brining her back into the yard. The cat ran back to neighbor and went back to posturing for pettings. I apologized but neighbor didn’t seem to mind petting the cat. I figured that eventually the cat would get bored and move on, since cats are fickle creatures. But, no. Turdface thought the neighbor was her new BFF and was not going to leave her alone. After a few minutes I had to go get the treat back and shake it at her. That got her attention and made her come running, then I scooped her up and tossed her back in the house.

I was somewhat embarrassed about my cat, although more because we don’t really get along with the neighbors more than my cat acting like a spoiled cat that thinks everyone is there for her own amusement and giving her attention.

Cats

My cat is an asshole. She truly is. 

At some point today she got something all over her back leg. I thought it was pee. She has been pissing in the house once again. Last year was the start of this marking thing in the house. We’ve had the cats for seven years, never was their an issue until last summer. We went thought a saga trying to figure out what the issue was, thinking it was the neurotic cat that has issues. Turns out it wasn’t. 

This cat walks out side past me, I look at her and think. WTH? Did she piss all over herself? 

I send the Husband out to look at her. I touched it…the leg I thought had pee all over it and sniffed. Nope, didn’t smell like pee but still have no idea what this substance was all over her back leg. 

I picked her up and said “Welp, turdface, you’re going to hate this.” 

And then tossed her in the kiddy pool we have set up for the dogs. 

In the seven years we’ve had her she has NEVER gotten a bath, because she’s a little ass hole and will try to gouge your eyes out when you’re sleeping ten days later. 

She gets out of the pool, and proceeds to “run” away. The running consted of her trotting two or three steps and then shaking her back legs like some annoying blade of grass was tickling her foot. 

I then tried to chase her down with some soap. 

She stopped looked right at and pee’d in my general direction. 

Yeah, this cat tried to pee on me because I threw her in the kiddy pool. I have never ever been pee’d at by a cat, no matter how angry they were. 

I then had the Husband catch her using what I call the “arm pit hold” – it’s the best hold for a cat ever because they can’t bite you, or get you with their front or back claws. All they can do is hang there and be angry. 

I soaped up her back legs then Husband swirled her around in the kiddy pool. Then he thew her a safe distance away from any people or dogs. Oh, she was so angry. I was amazed at the sounds coming out of this cats mouth. She then jumped the fence and ran to the front of the house, complaining the entire way. 

She did let me pick her up with a towel and dry her off, then she wanted in the house where she spent the rest of the evening giving us both death stares and growling at the other cat. 

The Cat’s Luscious Coat

Once again, it’s a dairy product in relation to my grandma. Oh dear.

My mom and I are making dinner at my grandma’s house. As we’re cooking grandma is lamenting about how we always leave her fridge “over flowing with food.” (We do not, maybe a green onion or something small gets left behind but never is her fridge over flowing with our food. It is in fact over flowing with condiments from 2007 or earlier.) Her fridge is always full, full of foods that a single person can not truly eat…a gallon jar of Claussen pickle spears, a five-pound bucket of feta cheese, ten ears of corn, four different opened jars of red pepper jelly, and so on.

As she’s lecturing us both on leaving so much food at her house she stops and asks if we like cottage cheese. Uh oh! Based on the last cottage cheese incident the answer is always no. My mom tells her that she eats it but she doesn’t want any. Then she moves on to me, I don’t even bother with saying that I like cottage cheese I just say…and I must say a bit too forcefully…

“I don’t want your cottage cheese, I’m not taking it.”

Not a deterrent.

Grandma continues about how the cottage cheese is good cheese, it’s from Spartan stores. She has two tubs of cottage cheese and she’s getting another two the next day.

My mom just keeps asking her why she keeps buying food, food that there is no way she could ever eat. The cottage cheese she had wasn’t the normal size tubs either, they were the 24 oz tubs. I even have problems finishing off one of those tubs before it spoils and she already had two with another two on the way! Her excuse was that she was having Meijer cottage cheese brought to her which is the best kind, so she didn’t want the Spartan cottage cheese (the cottage cheese was in fact Country Fresh, not Spartan store brand).

To have so many tubs of cottage cheese because of a brand is silly…at least in that quantity. Even stranger because my mom or myself visits about every other weekend. If she really wanted Meijer cottage cheese we could bring it with us, so the need to stock up on a brand of cottage cheese is a bit moot. (The closest Meijer store is about an hour away from my grandma and her driving skills are, shall we say, not as sharp as they used to be.) Not to mention my Aunt also visits fairly regularly as well. I happen to know that my my Aunt (and myself) shop regularly at Meijer.

My grandma ended up talking my mom into taking one of her 24 oz tubs of cottage cheese, which will end up getting fed to her dog. My mom won’t be able to eat that much cottage cheese that quickly – I wouldn’t be able to either. I ended up with a tub of Ricotta. My mom also ended up with a bag of Feta cheese as well. The Ricotta was a mistake, my grandma thought it was cottage cheese (because she needed yet another tub?!), the feta came from Sam’s Club – the five pound tub I mentioned earlier.

We get to my house and I’m taking the food that was pawned off on me from my grandmas out of my mom’s cooler – when I noticed the Feta. I didn’t know my mom even liked Feta so I offered to take it since my husband loves it. This feta also happened to be the kind that came pre-flavored.

The next day I decide to make stuffed mushroom caps and use my grandma’s flavored feta cheese – mostly to use it up since we already had an opened package of our own in the fridge. I dump roughly 3/4 of the package in the stuffing mixture and then see a lump of something in the cheese package. I think “hmm, the spices clumped together” and proceed to start to break up the “spices.” It wasn’t spices! It was the largest chunk of weird mold I’ve ever witnessed in a package of cheese!

Needless to say I had to throw out my stuffing mixture and start over. I also had to call my mom and let her know of the moldy feta.

In my grandma’s defense, the cheese most likely did come from the store bad…at least that is what I hope.